lately my entire itunes collection has been popping up in commercials. is my taste that mainstream? or is mainstream becoming more....me?

phoenix

architecture in helsinki

matt & kim

arcade fire

airborne toxic event

i just popped my massage cherry. and it was gooooood.

and what the HELL?! why hasnt anyone told me how absolutely amazingly fantastic full body massages are???

of course, in true simone fashion, i got off to a bit of a rough start. after i launched into an unnecessarily detailed account of my life story (in pretty sure i somehow managed to mention my 5th grade teacher), the masseuse turned to leave to let me undress. i stood there confused, never having done this before (and probably somewhat high from all the aromatherapy). before the masseuse reached the door i managed a squeak, which she thankfully interpreted as her cue to cue tell me to take "it" off and get under the sheet. SHIT. "it"??? what is "it"?? do i take off all my clothes, or is this an bra/underwear type deal? i quickly debated which option would provide minimal embarrassment had i made the wrong decision, and finally decided on the full monty. go big or go home.

confident i was well on my way to stress-free bliss, i turned to the table and immediately tensed in panic. i saw not one but FOUR different layers of sheets. i stood there for a while, peeling back layers trying to decipher what constituted a "sheet" vs a blanket, and ultimately decided on scooting inbetween the satin-esque fabric and cottom sheet.

second crises potentially averted, i settled in and waited. and waited. was i supposed to call her? was there some sort of bell i should ring? maybe a bird call? thankfully she eventually came back before i could attempt any sort of animal sound.

about halfway through the massage, i was confident that all was going well, the worst thing so far being my hair getting in the way. until it happened. a little toot. maybe it was the relaxation of my muscles, or some rogue dairy product i ate, but i just couldnt contain it! and even if i had known it was coming, i couldnt exactly hold it in. shes a masseuse, she would KNOW if i clenched. i just thank moses it wasnt an SBD

nudity, sheets, and farts aside, i think i fell in love with that womans hands. THOSE HANDS, those magic hands that defied nature. lets hope this isnt the last ill see (or feel) of those hands

the countdown has begun 

last night i was a complete waste of life 

i spent a consecutive THREE hours watching reruns of greys anatomy, and approximately two hours crying because that show is EMOTIONAL. my whole cleaning plan kind of fell by the wayside. way, way by the wayside. i lost my cleaning mojo.  i had a vision of blasting the noisettes (my new obsession) and rockin a swifer like nobody's business. sadly, i only managed to transfer layers of pasta encrusted bowls from the sink to the dishwasher, and straighten up the living room a bit, mostly in an attempt find the remote. i didnt even make it to the bathroom or my room per my original plan. ah well, mirror wiping and clothes folding will have to wait another day. to top it all off, we ran out of toilet paper so i had to resort to our limited stock of paper towels. you know youre poor and lazy when you seriously consider stealing toilet paper from work (only to realize you might lose a few 'good employee' points when you were inevitably caught shoving three rolls into your purse). 

maybe tonight will bring a new burst of mary poppins-esqu energy. more likely it will bring more couch sitting and office/30 rock/its always sunny watching. 

for your reading pleasure (so you TOO can be a couch potato): 

WTF "vegetarians" (you know who you are), and they barely touched on sustainability/health issues

might be time to reconsider taking surfing lessons back home in SF 

but what about my beans?!

i have my fashion moments. hell, i even rocked my swank new boots at WORK yesterday. but sometimes...

i see this, or this, and i feel like this

then i see this, and feel like karl lagerfeld.

guilty. i am guilt striken. 

in an attempt to get my future birthday shenangians in order, i sent out word yesterday about the festivities to a few friends. i invited a coworker, one and only one. at lunch today with the work gang, bonding over a shared confusion of the growing pitt-jolie army, my birthday was brought up in conversation.  i tried to play it off casually, trying to brush over the fact that no one else was invited, nor did i have any intention of inviting them. there was a long pause after someone asked what i was planning to do. followed by another one after someone asked when it was, and yes, ANOTHER awkward pause after someone chimed in that they loved karaoke. i fully buried my face in my half finished crossword to avoid trying (and inevitably failing) to come up with some excuse.

its not that i dont want them there, its just there are other people i want there more. people i dont spend 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with. 

naturally, when me and the-chosen-one-coworker were left alone in the kitchen, we immediately discussed the previous awkwardness. and, of course, right as i was saying "...its just that there are other people id rather spend it with..." scorned-coworker walks in to get some water. DAMMIT. couldnt you have controlled your thirst for two minutes?!?! so i did the only thing i knew how to do. give an inappropriate giggle then give an awkward smile. scorned-coworker followed suit and gave an awkward smile. i pretended like i never said anything, they pretended like they didnt hear anything. and now im stuck feeling guilty.

 i really need to work on my timing. or grow eyes in the back of my head. 

theres something so rewarding about doing errands, crossing something off the list. even if that something is dropping off a prescription for mysteriously recurring hives. and folliculitis. something refinery workers, mechanics, and sheep shearers get. and me, apparently. 

STILL, i got it done (albeit several weeks later...). trying to stay positive here, considering the alternative is accepting that i have become a walking medical disaster. with no health insurance. 

im racking up some serious mileage on the health profession circuit. i figure im just getting all my health problems over with now while im still a sprightly 22 (SOON to be 23 year old!)

on another note, yet another old creeper started talking to me on the bus, interrupting my reading. maybe i look particularly bored when im reading, in need of a good conversation. whatever it is, it attracts old men. this one rambled on to me about how i should wear a surgical mask to prevent swine flu. thanks, ill keep that in mind. right up there on my list of things to do after get a colonoscopy. although at the rate im going, you never know....